Scripture: Luke 5:16 "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."
What is Loneliness?
Loneliness means different things to different people. Some people equate loneliness with aloneness, solitude, or isolation. Loneliness can be defined in two ways. On one level it is a pain or sadness felt in the absence or loss of meaningful relationships. Yet loneliness is more than that. It is also the inevitable pain or sadness we feel in response to living as pilgrims in a fallen, sinful world that cannot provide the perfect relationships we were designed for. We feel lonely when we are deeply aware of our creaturely incompleteness. This side of Heaven we groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies’ (Romans 8:23) We are not Home yet!
Kinds of Loneliness
Chosen Loneliness
There are two kinds of chosen loneliness to consider. One has a practical function and the other a protective one.
Practical: This is a related, but different experience than loneliness-solitude. The dictionary defines solitude as ‘being solitary, alone, without companions.’ Solitude is to be alone, but not necessarily lonely. Solitude is usually a chosen isolation from people, motivated by a legitimate need to temporarily retreat from the noise, demands, and endless diversions of everyday life. Solitude is a place of refuge where we can sort out ideas, values, attitudes, loss and a confusing array of emotions. It’s a place to rest, pray, and even create. Solitude is being alone ‘well’, when we are not preoccupied with the absence of others. By contrast, loneliness involves discomfort or pain, a sense of separation from desired companionship.
Protective: This kind of loneliness can be subtle or obvious to the caring observer, and conscious or unconscious to the person actually experiencing the loneliness. Chosen protective loneliness occurs when we are arranging for and actually pursuing loneliness, though not always consciously, because we prefer it to disappointment. We might consistently bury ourselves in work to consume the hours needed to build substantial relationships. Now we have an excuse for avoiding relationships. Why do we seek such an excuse? Because the pain of loneliness seems more manageable than the painful disappointment of seeking a relationship and having our effort not be well received. We may wonder, "Why risk giving others the power to hurt us again?” Risking the loving engagement to which God calls us opens the door to potential disappointment, rejection, felt abandonment and misunderstanding. It seems so much easier to withdraw and keep a safe distance from any relational conflict or pain. However, we end up isolating ourselves from others or seeking only ‘useful, shallow relationships that keep our loneliness, manageable. If we don’t want to risk hurting, then we don’t risk loving. The protective loneliness reflects our stubborn determination to avoid pain in relationships. Beneath this determination lies the assumption that personal comfort is an absolute, God-ordained value; therefore, self-protection loneliness is both reasonable and justifiable. Such a view is consistent with our entirely self-oriented natures, which are determined above all else to honor the final value of our personal wellbeing, and not the larger, other-centered purposes of God. In the midst of self-protective loneliness we are saying that God is neither good nor trustworthy to empower us as we endure the pain of loneliness that relational struggles often surface.
Core Loneliness
This kind of loneliness is more basic, more fundamental to our existence as human beings, and it is seldom discussed or even acknowledged. Core loneliness is the loneliness that lingers in the midst of our most gratifying relationships with God and others. It is neither unnecessary nor ungodly, but inevitable. It exists because we live in a sinful world; and it is, therefore, the common lot of fallen humanity. Loneliness is necessary.
Contributions of Loneliness
1. Perspective. Give opportunity to focus on life through either a macro or panoramic lens. It is through the withdrawing that we can make great advances.
2. Purpose. Ask the question if there was no one else in our life what would our life be all about?
3. Proposal. This is the time where you can give direction without distraction. It is the time when the ‘still small voice’ can be heard. It is in the quiet times of life that we can answer the still small voice with resounding commitment statements; ‘I will’ statements. There can be a movement from ‘it will’, ‘we will’, ‘you will’’, ‘they will’. It cuts through the ‘I should, I would, I could’ statements. Here is where personal commitments are made.
4. Power. Here is where we can experience the presence of the Lord first hand and then apply that power in the relationships that we are called to. C.F. Luke 5:17
5. Prevention. We can ask ourselves the hard questions or allow the Holy Spirit to bring up crucial issues that need to be addressed so we may bypass pitfalls that lay in our way
The Necessity of Loneliness
Loneliness is necessary, or inevitable, not just in that we all will experience it and God is unwilling to take it away, but because of God’s interim plan for this fallen world.
We were created for relationships in which we are fully enjoyed and fully invited to enjoy others. But we are out of the Garden of Eden, and we feel the effects of falling away from God acutely (Genesis 3:23, Romans 5:12) Relationships like God intended aren’t possible with fallen humans. Until Christ comes again and we are with Him in Heaven, we are encouraged to enjoy glimpses of what we will one day see fully and face to face (I Corinthians 13:12).
To know Christ as Savior secures the fact of our place in Heaven, but experiencing that position is a developmental process (Philippians 1:6) The day is coming when there will be no more pain, no more tears. Think of it: God will soon remove the reasons for which personal suffering exists, and loneliness will be replaced with perfect fellowship. Final, complete resolution is coming, but not yet.
Many people assume that if we know and trust God, then we should never have to feel lonely. They see lonely feelings as evidence of failure to trust in the power and presence of God in one’s life. It is true that Jesus promised never to abandon His people when He said, "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20). However, the truth that God is with us always is not a promise to eliminate our feelings of loneliness. Instead, it can empower us to face lonely feelings in a sinful world and faithfully persevere. To say "God is enough!’ is true, but enough for what? God is enough to help us persevere, not enough to rid us of lonely feelings prematurely.
Our Christian subculture has become skillful at bringing the promises of Heaven into the present, and then, under the guise of ‘faith’ obligating God to fulfill those promises now. One must wonder if this is less of an act of faith and more of an arrogant refusal to accept (not excuse) the ongoing effects of sin and faithfully persevere in the midst of them. Biblical faith does not perceive God as a reliable ally who eagerly submits to our self-interests. It may be more characteristic of faith to seek the courage to embrace core loneliness, not attempt to resolve it.
Loneliness is necessary because what is needed to relieve it at our core is someone who is absolutely and perfectly for us. It requires the resources of a totally independent being that lacks nothing. However, because of sin, no person is completely independent or purely other-centered; therefore, we are incapable of fully resolving another’s core loneliness. Because nobody can fully provide for us, and because God has chosen to give us only glimpses now of what is to come later, loneliness is a required experience before Heaven.
Brian Frizzell (MA, MS, LPC) is the owner of Christian Counseling Services in Springfield MO. (417) 881-9800) He is the author of Marriages By Design (www.marriagesbydesign.com.) He is a licensed professional counselor and has 20 years of counseling experience in a number of venues. He has pastored churches in the United States and Canada and served as the Director Counseling in a church in SW Missouri of over 5,000. He, his wife and three sons live in Nixa, MO.