Counting on Communication
Have
you ever said exactly what you meant and your partner got it all wrong?
In twenty years of counseling I have observed that communication is the number
one challenge of relationships. My wife and I have been married for
twenty-four years; now are approaching our 50’s and still find communication to
be our greatest challenge. Both professionally and personally I am finding that
if the communication barrier is overcome all other obstacles to relationship
can usually be worked through. There are a number of components that we
can count on to help our relationship add up to all that we desire it to
be.
One: Question of Communication
There is an essential question that should be asked when involved in
communication: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to have relationship?”
Many times we argue from our perception as if it were the undeniable truth; in
fact another perspective may be equally as valid. If we truly understand
our partner’s perspective, with the desire to have a better relationship, most
times we will find that being right is secondary to having relationship.
Two: Types of Communication
There are two types of communication: one is FM communication the other is
AM communication.
Feeling Mode (FM)
communication has to do with conveying and understanding on an emotional
level. Most often the female gender wants to be understood in this
mode. Fixing the problem is not as important as just talking about it
experientially.
Assessment Mode (AM) is the frequency where most men tune. This
emphasizes rational solutions. For a man many times there is a
quest for coming up with a way to fix the problem. Emotions are not the
solution, action is the solution.
The problem is obvious; communication is being handled on different
frequencies. The best way to overcome this is to create a new frequency,
XM. Cross over into each other’s frequency to understand on an emotional
and a rational level.
Three: Challenges to Communication
Inconvenience. It takes time to communicate accurately and
precisely. Many communication barriers begin to be built because it is
not considered to be a priority; there are other things more important.
This neglect often leads to a crisis that has to be addressed. It is
rather like paying taxes; paying as you go is much easier than receiving a
large debit to be dealt with all at once.
Observation. Observation incorporates both verbal and non-verbal communication.
Specialists in the area of communication state that often non-verbal message
may be more important than verbal communication. What is being said by body
language, voice inflection, eye contact and facial expression?
Understanding. Many times we are so intent on getting our point across
we never really understand where our partner is coming from. I have developed a
system of communication I call "Hide and Seek Communication” This entails
hiding our response and seeking out what our partner is saying. It is
about seeking to understand before being understood.
These are some core components of good communication. Understanding and
applying these will give us communication that we can count on.
Find out what kind of Communicator you are: